Green Lantern: The Review

Crap Pun Review: Excitement’s escaped Green Lantern’s light.

So the 3rd of the 4 Comic-Hero flicks to be out this summer is Green Lantern. I honestly had no intention on seeing this movie at all. The reviews out there for this movie have not been kind. I didn’t expect them to be. Out of boredom, I decided to give it a go…I went in with no expectations, and boy, did it not disappoint. Or disappoint, for that matter.

The movie’s not bad enough to be crap and not good enough to be superb. It’s just kinda moot and hanging about in purgatory.

I tried to get into it. Really, I tried. But there was just nothing to sink your teeth into. Essentially, the ring picks Hal Jordan (actor Ryan Reynolds) to be its next bearer. He goes through a short training montage, and somehow ends up defeating an enemy (Parallax) who has been kicking the rest of the Green Lantern Corp.’s asses throughout the movie.

If you haven’t seen it already…Save your money. Wait for it to come on Netflix…or borrow it from your friend who’s a bit dim if you REALLY insist on seeing it.

 

What I liked:

– Ryan Reynold’s performance (Not a lot to work with, but he’s funny, charming and can talk in a DEEP voice…heh)

– Hal Jordan trying to activate The Lantern sitting on his coffee table by yelling at it

– the design of the Green Lantern ring (Kinda like a bulky 70’s class ring.)

– he discovers the power of the ring during a dirty, back alley brawl after 3 guys kick the living shit out of him

– Mark Strong as Sinestro and Tim Robbins as some Senator

– silly lines that made me chuckle: “Gravity’s a BITCH!” & “You’re afraid of being afraid!”

– Pumpkin Squid Green Lantern!

 

What I loathed:

– whoever the hell this chick, Blake Lively, is (What is she, 13, or something? ‘Cause that’s what she sounded like.)

– Ryan Reynold’s performance with said chick (No chemistry between them whatsoever.)

– rock music blaring to show how bad-ass a character is

– Hal being reminded REPEATEDLY how irresponsible and childish he is (Got it the first time around, thanks.)

– the editing was a bit rough and I could’ve done with less CG dolly moves everytime you show Oa (Lantern Corp. home planet)

– CG’ing the Guardians was NOT a good idea

– Kilowog’s poorly written exposition during the training montage

– CG Bacon Suit and the mask that looks like Hallowe’en makeup

– was it just me, or did it look like Ryan Reynolds was wearing guyliner during the first half of the movie?

– not enough school children absorbed by Parallox

– the climax was very anti-climactic (I threw some shit at the villain, he chased me into space, he gets sucked into the sun. The End.)

– lack of Ryan Reynolds skinage

 

What I’m Not Sure About:

– updating the Green Lantern to make more slick and alien-like

– shortest training montage EVER

– Peter Sarsgaard’s giant dome and his Edward Norton-esque performance

One for the road.

 

In short: It can wait for a really rainy day. And I mean REALLY rainy. Like Noah’s Flood kinda rainy.

High Spirits: The Review

Crap Pun Review: High Spirits, Low Expectations.

So Saturday night is now a night for staying in…now that I’m old and poor. 4 of us gathered tonight for some laughs, some pizza and a 1988 comedy called High Spirits.

Directed by Neil Jordan (NEIL JORDAN, for fuck’s sakes!), who has always maintained that the released version of this film is very different from the one he shot because apparently he was excluded from the editing process of the final cut. After seeing the film, I can see his gripe. It wasn’t terrible, but it’s not very good either. Throughout the movie, I kept getting this familiar feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then as I’m writing this post, it hit me. It gave me the same sort of sensation that I get when I watch Clue or more specifically 80’s movies that were shot in a gigantic set…unfortunately, I found myself laughing more AT the movie than WITH it.

We wondered when this movie came out because it bore some similarities as another 1988 movie that deals with ghosts: Tim Burton’s Beetlejuice. It made us wonder if that was a year for ghost-comedies….heh

I also couldn’t stop giggling every time Liam Neeson appeared onscreen because of this site: Liam Neeson’s Cock (Thanks, Kevin Smith!!!)

If you haven’t seen it (and you feel like you HAVE to see this), grab some friends, have some Pepsi, get some pizza and take in the wonder that is Steve Guttenberg’s “acting”!

 

What I liked:

– it’s made in the 80’s. I have a soft spot for 80’s movies

– Jennifer Tilly (who looked like Tim Curry from Rocky Horror) and Peter O’Toole (always a delight)

– sparkly ghost make-up. Apparently, when you die, you turn sparkly (Maybe Stephanie Meyers is a big High Spirits fan)

– the flying bus being driven by a sparkly Liam Neeson

– the Quantum Leap-esque entry and exit Liam Neeson makes

– Jennifer Tilly hooking up with a Brother. No, not that kind. The kind who’s about to become a priest.

– the worst “crying” I’ve ever seen in a movie

– most of the SFX were pretty cool. (Kudos to the flying bus)

– human/ghost fucking! (Or “skelping”)

 

What I loathed:

– Beverly D’Angelo’s voice (I was so glad when she went flying out the window to her death)

– Darryl Hannah’s Lucky Charms accent (But it DID make me chuckle every time she opened her gob)

– Steve Guttenberg’s “acting”

 

What I’m not sure about:

– Beverly D’Angelo hooking up with her ancestor, it turns out

– the general plot and mechanics of the movie

 

In short: Friends don’t let friends see High Spirits alone.

Chinks vs Whities 2: Anita Mui (Feat. Andy Hui) vs Sandra

I know I should wait for a bit before I post another one of these, but I wanted to do this while it’s still fresh in my mind.

I saw Anita’s video a lot when I was a kid. They use to throw it on in-between Thundercats and the evening news if there’s a gap in the programming. I loved the outfits they wore in the video. Yes, yes, I know the 3 dancers (who happened to be the group “Grasshopper”) look like bellhops and Andy Hui looked like a Japanese highschooler….but I’ve got a thing for suit-jacketesque outfits, okay?

(My Cantonese-to-English is a bit rough, if you think you’ve got a better translation, leave a comment!)

First up, it’s 1986’s “將冰山劈開” by 梅艷芳 (Feat. 許志安) or “Smashing Open the Iceberg” by Anita Mui (Feat. Andy Hui)

VS

 

1985’s “In the Heat of the Night” by Sandra

 

Budget size and visually, Sandra’s video wins.

Everything else, Anita all the way!

RIP, Anita. We still miss you! 😦

 

Chinks vs Whities 1: Grasshopper vs Cover Girls

Okay. I just re-read this post’s heading and realizes that it makes mad sense. (Mad-mental, not mad-skills) *ahem*

It also kinda sound like a B-movie title….

Anyhoo. I’ve been trolling YouTube and watching old C-Pop videos. (For those of you in the not-know, C-Pop = Canto[nese]-Pop.) And I realize that I keep saying to myself, “Oh my God, that’s actually an English song?” (The wonders of the interwebs.)

I figured it’d be fun to bring some of these songs to light for the non-Canto enlightened crowds out there.

(My Cantonese-to-English is a bit rough, if you think you’ve got a better translation, leave a comment!)

First up, it’s 1992’s “三分鐘放縱” by 草蜢 or “3 Minute Let Loose” by Grasshopper

VS

1987’s “Because of You” by The Cover Girls

I’d put a blurb about who’d be the winner, but I think I’m a bit Canto-biased. I’ll leave that decision to you, readers.

3 Minute Movies: Captain America

It’s been an odd week for trailers that shows you the entire movie in 3 minutes flat.

First there was the trailer for the Footloose remake, mid-week brought us the new UK trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Then before the weekend arrived, another Captain America: The First Avenger trailer popped up.

I’ve been quite curious about this movie since the teasers were released. This and  X-Men: First Class were the two Superhero movies out this summer that I ACTUALLY wanted to see. First Class turned out pretty well…Here’s hoping this flick will be up to snuff?

I’m hoping the “Scrawny Steve” effects will work out better because in some shots it looks fantastic, in others…just kinda looks like a floating head…like Green Lantern. (Or so I’ve heard anyway. Not planning on seeing that anytime soon.) Well, at least in this movie, there’s a legit reason a floating head appears. There was absolutely no need to CG the Green Bacon suit onto Ryan Reynolds.

As for the trailer itself, aside from giving the game away, I’m not too fond of the rock music they’ve pumped in. Perhaps the needed to up the douche factor so they attract all the “normies” to line up opening day??

The Footlose and Planet of the Apes trailers saved me $26 total. I think I’ll use that stash to go give Cap a visit when it opens in July. Yes, yes, I know the trailer gives away the game, but I wanna see Chris Evans, alright? Is that so wrong??

You're telling me you wouldn't want to see this?

 

Hearting Professor X

I think I’m in love with Professor X.

No, not the comic guy. No, not the movie version, although Sir Patrick Stewart make a foxy bald man.

I’m talking James McAvoy.

I’ve not really seen him in much, but from what I’ve seen, I quite like. (Yes, even the fairly pedo-creepy Mr. Tumnus from Narnia.)

I just watched him on a recent episode of The Graham Norton Show and he came off as a very funny, quick witted and extremely likeable fellow. He feels like someone you can sit down and have a fun time with. I know I wouldn’t be so forward if I was sitting beside Liza Minnelli. Well, I wouldn’t sit beside her in the first place. But there we are.

If I had a list of (to swipe this from my friend) “Top 10 Future Husbands” he’d definitely be on the list.

Hit the jump for the episode in question.

Wizards of Waverly S4E13: Meet the (Smelly Smelly) Werewolves

Okay, so it’s my shameful secret (which I’m blogging about) that I’m a fan of Wizards of Waverly Place. I don’t really remember how I started watching it, but I’m guessing channel surfing should take the blame for this. I was just so surprised when I realized I sat through an entire episode and it didn’t make me wanna leap up to change the channel or put a fist through the screen.

The show’s been running for three seasons and this current fourth season will be its last. Unlike all the other Disney/Nickelodeon tween-coms out there, the writing on this show is pretty decent, the kid/tween stars can ACT and they don’t dial up the stupid.

I’ve been waiting with baited breath for the show to return since May and the new episode, Meet the Werewolves, finally aired a couple of days ago. I gotta say…I was pretty disappointed.

The show initially started out with a cast of 6: Jerry and Theresa Russo, their 3 kids (Max, Alex and Justin) and Harper, Alex’s BFF. (I can’t believe I just typed BFF.)

As the show progressed, the cast grew a bit larger. Justin’s friend Zeke (actor Dan Benson) became Harper’s boyfriend and Mason (actor Gregg Sulkin) the werewolf was brought in as a love interest for Alex.

Now I gotta be honest, it took a while for Zeke to grow on me. At first he felt like a Disney-com tween: a lot of overacting and a lot of shouting…then I finally understood that the character is just SO! EASILY! EXCITED! ABOUT! EVERYTHING! and that garnered a few chuckles out of me. An absolutely mental character.

The opposite has happened with Mason. He started out as a pretty low-key character but in the new episode, he totally Disney’d out. He literally turned into one of those Zack & Cody gits. I just don’t understand what happened in between the break. It’s like someone just said, “Let’s dial up the stupid! The show’s finishing anyway! WHO GIVES A SHIT!?”.

I hope it’ll get better before the series ends.

Inappropriate skin quota met:

The guys of Waverly

Same guys of Waverly

Loose….Footloose….

I just sat through the trailer for the remake of Footlose and I gotta say….WHAT THE HELL?

No no, I’m not talking about why you would remake this, and I’m not talking about the You Got Served/Step-Up dance crew thing…instead of whatever Kevin Bacon was doing in the original…but the trailer ITSELF.

Now it’s been years since I’ve actually sat through Footloose, but I still remember the gist: Kid moves to a new town that’s outlawed dancing, kid changes said law through dancing. Or something. From the looks of it, not much has changed in the remake, but I’m assuming they’ve swapped the game of tractor-chicken with Burning Man school buses exploding and replacing a real train with a really awful CG one.

After watching this new trailer, I can say (with 100% certainty) that there’s absolutely no need to actually sit down to watch the movie. Not because of any of the gripes listed above, but the trailer essentially shows

EVERY.

SINGLE.

PLOT POINT.

OF THE MOVIE.

Why would you cut a trailer (of a remake) like this? Is it to save old fogies time so they won’t have to shuffle to the theatres in their walkers because you’ve essentially watched the movie after seeing the trailer?

Anyway, here’s the trailer. Save yourself $13 and 80 minutes. Or go re-live the original.

Marvel/DC Comic Reboots

I complain a lot about TV shows and movies getting rebooted. It’s actually not so bad. Well, when you compare that to the Tits & Spandex comics of North America.

The N.A. Comic Industry feels like there’s a big red REBOOT button that’s helmed by one of those dipping-bird contraptions. Marvel used to “relaunch” their titles every couple of years, it seems, and DC was the king of multiple universes….until they got rid of all of them. Or something to the likes. I don’t really remember anymore.

Recently, the DC Universe decided to take 52 of their titles and bring everything back to square one by rebooting them all.

How anyone can get emotionally invested with any characters if all they’re just going to reboot it a few years down the road is beyond me.

But I digress, what ACTUALLY sparked this post was a picture of the new Nightwing that I stumbled upon.

Odd that they would decide to go with a costume design that’s so reminiscent of the version featured in the movie that killed the theatrical franchise. Or were they thinking that nobody would notice because the movie was mentally blocked by our collective memories?

Super 8: The Review

Crap Pun Review: Super 8 Isn’t All that Super (8)! Oh, Drugs are bad!

I have to admit,  I wasn’t instantly enthralled to see this when I first saw the teaser. I wasn’t curious when the full trailer came out. I wasn’t interested when the movie premiered. I was pretty skeptical when I read all the raving reviews (from friends) who have seen the movie.

What can I say? I can be wrong. It has its problems, but they’re fairly slight overall (sort of). It’s a fun movie, go see it in the theatres.

The kids who were in this movie were great, but we’ll get into that later. First, I need to address the strange…resemblances amongst the kids. People that know me know that I LOVE all the incarnations of Degrassi (Yes, even Degrassi: TNG). So imagine my surprise when Riley Griffiths popped up on screen. It was like the second coming of Jesus…uh, I mean Arthur Kobalewscuy. Want proof?

Duncan Waugh (circa 1986) & Riley Griffiths (circa now-ish)

BLAM, bitches. It’s like Aruthr had a kid or something.

There’s also the matter of the main kid, played by Joel Courtney. To me, he kinda looked like Thomas Brodie-Sangster of movie fame. (Yes, yes, the resemblance isn’t as strong as Arthur and his kid, I know.)

Thomas Brodie-Sangster & Joel Courtney

As for the main girl, all throughout the movie, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why she seemed so familiar. The speech pattern, the odd way she pronounced words…then as I was pissing after the film was done, I had a Bruce Willis/6th Sense moment. “She’s one of the Fanning spawns! She’s Fanning the Lesser!”

Like I said before, despite the not-perfect-elements, it’s still a fun watch. So go out and see the fucking flick already, okay?

SO! *Cracks knuckles* Onto business!

I won’t bore you with technical info, you can look it up yourself on the interwebs.

What I liked:

– nice throwback to 80’s kids’ adventure movies (too many apostrophes here, I think)

– every archetype is accounted for: negligent father, drunk dad, the main kid, the fat kid, the kid with glasses, the pyro-kid with braces, the chickenshit kid and the girl crush

– Michael Hitchcock and Dan Castellaneta (in a shit toupee)!

– the chemistry between all the kids. Their relationships feel genuine.

– underage driving! Lots of bike riding!

– the kids leaving a stoner behind in his car because he was too high to run (DRUGS ARE BAD!)

– you get to sit through the kids’ finished super-8 film during the credits

What I loathed:

– nice throwback to 80’s kids’ adventure movies (but soiled with action sequences catering to current day sensibilities)

– the ridiculously explosive train crash that felt like the trains had no weight to it and the utter destruction it caused. (Seriously, EVERYTHING blew up, including the train station…EXCEPT for the car the kids needed to get away in. Barely a dent on it.) If you want to see a good train crash, watch The Fugitive. That shit was scary.

– the hydro worker on a cherry picker gawking at shit being thrown up into the air in the distance. Instead of quickly getting back to ground level to get the FUCK outta there, what does he do? Jacks up the lift even higher! How Spielbergan! (Re: The retards from War of the Worlds who crowded around the HUGEASS hole in the middle of the street before the tripods come out.)

– when the army soldiers catches the kid, he confiscates the main character’s locket (which has a picture of his mother in it) for no specific reason.

– the design of the alien. It was a generic giant monster. It’s pretty much the monster they had in Cloverfield, which they also recycled in the new Star Trek. (And PLEEEEASE, for the love of Christ, STOP. MAKING. MONSTERS. ROAR. BEFORE. THEY. STRIKE. We get it. It’s big, it’s fierce, it’s got bad breath.)

– the monster captures people and spins them into cocoony packages to feed on later (presumably), yet the main character gets there just at the moment his friend is plucked down to be eaten.

What I’m not sure about:

– the Abrams lens flare. I’ve only seen two of his films. Is this his “thing”???

– the angsty alien who just wants to go home.

– the selective magnetism of the alien’s craft. (Re: Indy Jones & The Crystal Skull)

– the (sorta) cute kid from 7th Heaven is now a skeevy stoner

David "Skeevy Stoner" Gallagher

In short (Too late!): (E.T. + Close Encounters + Goonies) x Tremors/Cloverfield  = Super 8